* This was originally published on a Canadian lax blog run by Andrew McKay in late 2011 – “The Laxist”. He now runs “The Eh? Game” for Yahoo Canada. This article had nothing to do with his promotion. Regardless, I’m right about everything I’ve written here and the Chrome fad is fading – but I want one last punch to land before it dies sputtering and coughing up blood on my carpet.
When I first started playing lacrosse a head came out called the Edge Ice. It was a normal old school original Brine edge Head with one major difference. It was clear. I’ve done some research and found a few objects in this world that are typically clear. Here are the five most popular ones:
- Shot Glasses.
- Magneto’s Chess Set from the first X-Men movie.
- Bubble Wrap.
- Crystal Skulls.
- Stripper Heels.
Shot glasses are for girls who can’t hold their booze. If you drink hard liquor you pour it into a glass and drink it like a man. Maybe one ice cube, but only if it’s a seriously rugged piece of ice. Jagged, even.
It’s pronounced MAGG-NEE-TOH. Not MAG-NEHT-OH. That would be stupid. Magneto isn’t stupid and neither are you.
Bubble wrap is for morons that can’t use regular packing materials effectively. Two words for you: Styrofoam Peanuts.
Crystal Skulls ruined one of the greatest movie franchises in the history of cinema, but they also discredited the farce that is Shia Labeouf’s career. Toss up.
Ask your mom what stripper heels are. No, wait. Ask your sister. She’ll know. Oh. She’ll KNOW.
Now, I grew up playing defense, despite being the smallest guy on the field I was my team’s enforcer. Listen, it was small town New Hampshire, being mean and fast was definitely enough – its not like the good athletes were even playing lacrosse yet. I might as well have been playing against middle-schoolers using shovels. The point being that I hit anything that moved anyway, but if I saw that edge ice I just lost my mind. Like a French bull in a Spanish arena, nothing around me mattered. I just wanted to kill the guy with the red cape/clear head. And so I did.
Now, I don’t play defense anymore, but I swear on my life that if anyone that covers me in any tournament or league this year – the year of our lord god 2011 – uses a chrome head, the first thing I will do is shoot right into his happies. As hard as I possibly can.
Chrome Heads have become the New Edge Ice of this Generation by virtue of being worthless in concept, design and execution. I shall prove it to you.
The concept of a chrome head is that you have a shiny stick. If you want a shiny stick why don’t you just get a chrome shaft like everyone else? No less than EVERY lacrosse company EVER makes a chrome shaft. Sure it has graphics on it, but those wipe off with nail polish remover. So, why do you need your head to be shiny? Are you a raccoon? Do you covet shiny objects for no other reason than to have shiny objects in your possession? What is the point? If you NEED to be noticed so badly then you have serious attention issues. Are you a child? Children are stupid, that’s why they’re called children.
These chrome heads supposedly use highly advanced techniques to secure the chrome material to the head. Oh really? So they don’t DIP the head into the chrom-a-tized mixture and take it out? That’s NOT what happens? You are paying 20-30 bucks MORE for a head that already costs about 5 bucks worth of plastic, but at least that plastic has function. It has purpose. As much as a piece of plastic can. It is your weapon. Your most trusted confidant. Your body’s avatar on the field. It has meaning. And you CHEAPEN IT WHEN YOU TRUSS IT UP AND MAKE IT SHINY FOR NO REASON.
Let’s just say that you don’t care about any of these points. You want a shiny stick because you like shiny things and you want people to know you like shiny things. I accept that. These chrome heads; they must be indestructible right? Like there is no way your extra money is going to go to waste and it’s going to flake off and chip and look crappy after a few weeks right? Wrong. All chrome does is chip. Cheap plastic car rims are chromed out and they look like garbage after a week. I live in New Hampshire, I’ve never seen a clean hubcap in my life, much less a genuine chrome one, but I’m ranting here. Your sixth grade championship basketball trophy doesn’t even see daylight and guarantee you that thing has chips in it right now. Go look. I’ll wait. Told you so.
“But, Kyle, the PROS use chrome heads! They’re awesome!” Yes. Some professional lacrosse players use chrome heads. You’re right. They do. The major sticking point being that pro players don’t pay for their heads. They are issued heads like samples of tide in the mail (Yeah, Wayne’s World reference – what of it?). If pros had to buy their own heads you’d see some serious beginner’s gear out there on the field. Boston Cannons goalie Kip Turner uses a Warrior Zoo for Pete’s sake. The flash/skill/swagger comes from within – it does not come from a lacrosse head. Pros know that much, I’ll give them that.
There’s only one more possible argument I can see to using a chrome head. Perhaps you’re just that kid who started playing lacrosse and you, or your parents, want you to have the best most expensive gear known to man because they/you enjoy the spoils of immeasurable wealth. Maybe you get the best stuff because it protects and performs better than anything else you can get. Let’s say that’s true – it’s not – but let’s say it’s true. Well the chrome heads don’t make you better. There is a perfectly good head for less money that does the exact same thing sitting on the shelf right next to the gleaming monstrosity you fought so desperately for. You want to flaunt your eccentricities? Fine. Prepare to pay the price.
One last thing – every NCAA team that had a player using a chrome head got bounced from the playoffs faster than a pent up fart after you drop your girlfriend off at her house. Hopkins – gone. Syracuse – gone. My Tarheels – gone. I’m not saying those teams are losers, or that the players that used the heads are losers. But I am. You want to be a loser? Use a chromed out wand. Just don’t be surprised when your opponent stands over you after he smashes your face in and laughs at how stupid your lustrous twig looks while you blow snot bubbles out of your nose.